The Journey Journal

The"One NEW Man Journal" ~ Day Thirteen

Wow. We skipped a lot of days there! That is partly because this is supposed to be sort of an up-beat gig, and life has been anything but “positive” lately! In fact, it has been more of a downer most days. So many people seem to be just checking-out of hotel earth all of a sudden. I mean it is the season leading up to “Passover” – but there are an awful lot of people taking that way too seriously – and passing over!

Seriously, I've heard of so many deaths lately. Some I knew personally and many I just knew of – some friends of mine were friends with Steve Hill, the pastor from Brownsville Church, also a friend of mine that I went to school with lost his Aunt in a car wreck, another friend of my kids lost her uncle suddenly, and many other people that I've heard of that have suddenly gone “off-line” as far as earthly accessibility goes.

But the most startling and unsettling of all, for us, has been our good friend Rick. He was just diagnosed with lung cancer less than a month ago! It was supposedly not the fast growing kind either! Good thing! It if had been he likely wouldn't have made it out of the doctor's office! Yet, as serious as it was, he only missed about two weeks of work. It was like – one minute he didn't feel so good and the next minute he was gone! Sort of. I know the deterioration was much more evident and gradual for his family. But out here it was sort of freaky.

But we should have seen it coming, there were hints – for example, he completely lost his considerable sense of humor about a year ago, and went from playfully mischievous to outright cantankerous! I bet that is when it started. But it took his wife this whole time to get the knot-head to go to the doctor! Then there was their usual trial and error bit – emphasis is on both words there – the medical professionals tend to be a huge trial to our patience, and there is way too much error before they strike pay dirt! He chose not to fight the cancer once they finally located it. I can't say I blame him at all for not taking the usual “help”. He was ready to go and he went. So that is that...and life goes on – on whatever plain of existence.

Also, on a much smaller level, but one which does adversely mess with my everyday life, my computer decided to take an expensive and unplanned vacation at Staples anti-virus department for about a week. Which put off getting our van out of the shop, where it is taking an even more expensive - quite planned and much needed hospitalization stay, and on top of all that my own health has been more fickle than the weather – up, down, hot, cold, sunny, cloudy – wintry-mix to full blown summer – with no warning whatsoever. Sleep seems better, but rest more elusive. Food not sitting well – at all. Muscles seem to be in rebellion to virtually any movement whatsoever. I feel as old as Methuselah and twice as tired. Ugh.

Yeah, I must admit that is not exactly positive thinking, much less faith-speak. I seem to have lost my motivation for keeping up the “Happy Journal” - and have lost sight of the “Joy Journal” - where was that journey heading again? Oh yes, to the land where dreams begin to come true! Well, needless to say I am going to have to get a change of perspective - again. Right now I still feel a bit like I am stuck in nightmare central!

Believe it or not I am trying to work on my gratefulness! Yeah. I know – so NOT succeeding. But really, I am grateful for the things that are not going haywire, and to some degree, even for the things that are – I mean God uses everything to our benefit right? But it is so hard to keep hold of that truth. In fact everything seems hard! Where is the victory? Where is the success? I found the first part of that word...but where is the rest of it? When do I win? When do I get to sense that part of this race, or war, or journey or whatever this is? When does faith materialize? When do hopes become realities?

Probably when we stop asking - “Are we there yet?” - and just go to sleep in the big comfy safe back seat. But – if that is the case – I need a lot of prayer. Sleep is just not what I do best – and though I have disciplined myself and have made quite a bit of progress in that area – still rest does not seem to be connected to sleep! “Sleep deprivation” - or poor quality and quantity of sleep - has been such an ingrained part of my existence – for over 50 years. I need to be rewired, or un-wired, or shut down or rebooted or something! I don't think those neurotransmitters – the ones that handle the sleep function – even work anymore. I am not sure they ever got the chance. How does one repair 56 years of that kind of malfunction? And yet my hope is in a God that regularly does the impossible – so it is not over yet. Rest will come for me. I have to believe that. Along with the other hopes that have been deferred, so far. Some day has to be payday! God is not a liar, and I am not a failure. So I press on...I will regroup as often as I must. All prayer to that end is appreciated.

As for right now - my girl's birthday is today – the 13^th of March – she is now 22 - and the funeral of my friend is tomorrow, Friday. I will go and comfort my other friend – his wife, whose husband is now pain-free, at least. She is starting a whole new adventure, though it won't seem like that for a long time. I will come home, shake off the shroud of grief. And then maybe I can get my head and heart back into my own journey perhaps – well – eventually.

We all need prayer, healing, restoration and help from time to time. I am not different. Not yet. I don't expect to come to the place that I don't have needs. I just want to get to the place where I am meeting needs more often than having needs. When Yeshua said that it is more blessed to give than to receive He was not whistling Dixie! As long as God grants me new days, I will work to find His new ways, that is the best I can do. If I make it, HE will most definitely get the glory - there can be no mistake about that!

~ Shalom Chavarim!