Self-Realization Reconsidered

Over the past few days my mentor from the "other side", Brother Oswald Chambers (his writings being illuminated by the Ruach ha Kodesh) has been delving into what he calls the "undeviating question". That "question" is the one which Adonai put to Peter, which He asked him three times interestingly enough, "Peter, do you love Me?". Bro. Chambers points out that the purpose of Yeshua's rather persistent questioning was not to obtain information for Himself, but to bring Peter into more of a consciousness of his own spiritual standing, to more accurately acquaint him with himself, and the love for Yeshua, which, surprisingly to him, had grown when he wasn't paying attention!

In recent days I have had some similar awakenings about myself. Some surprisingly (to me also) positive, and some not so much perhaps. Yet, when the Ruach ha Kodesh comes with His "constructive criticism" it really is constructive! He does not simply criticize to undermine us! He only points out the areas we need to work in so that we can draw from His wisdom to improve in that respect! This is what I love about the way G-d loves us! He loves us completely, and without any question or exception, , exactly where we are, and yet, He also loves us too much to just leave us where He found us! This is because "where we are" when we allow ourselves to "be found by Him", is often painful to us, and contains elements that has separated us from Him in the first place! But once we yield to Him, He works relentlessly to bring us all the way to where He is! I am constantly overwhelmed by such love, and constantly drawn to work with Him until I have learned to love that way as well!

But I constantly struggle with this, "can I love people who just can't seem to get it right, as I understand right?" I am always failing some sort of test on this, it would seem. I seem to pass a few, usually with strangers whose blunders or areas of ignorance does not really "get on me", or affect my particular situation! But then, a family member crosses the line, and blam, down I go again! Oy!

I know that we tend to develop different expectations for those closest to us, but why? The flesh is the flesh is the flesh! We should expect no more from our own, or those we love, than we do from those "poor derelicts who have not been taught any better"! How foolish we are to discard His measuring rod of righteousness for our own "socially acceptable" or "politically correct" standards, which fall so far beneath His! How arrogant! How futile and worthless our assessments and excuses for why we can not love our fellow man with His love! When we should have realized by now that His love only works within the parameters set for it! He loved to the last full measure, and yet, did not give His heart completely away because "He knew what was in man". The perfect balance!

He had the perfect balance! And I have often asked, "How did He do that?!" I am starting to come to a revelation on that, I think. It was because He stayed perfectly within His Father's "boundaries", that is completely and unswervingly, within His Commandments,Torah! He even said, "If you would love Me you must keep my Commandments, which are not grievous". We have tried to say that He had different Commandments than those given to Moshe by His Father! The original Pharisees also made the same accusation! How ironic!

But it is no good, because He Himself was constantly pointing people back to those instructions! He Himself said that I only do/ say, etc. what I see/hear My Father doing and saying! He was always quoting from the TaNaK! The Only thing that was written at the point of His appearing here! It is an acronym, T is for Torah, N is for Nephilim or Prophets, K is for Ketuvim or Writings (Psalms, Proverbs, etc.). This is what Messiah lived by, quoted from and instructed his disciples to follow and to teach! It is a "How to" manual for operating in His power, for living in His Father's Kingdom, and for optimal relationships with our fellow humans as well! How did this "apple", of current religious practice and belief structure, fall so far from that tree. Historically there are answers, but those are not the purpose of this writing. In this writing I am exploring the ironies and inconsistencies of "Love" within the Human Race, and the answer to them.

As I said, recently I have become more aware of my own struggles to truly love in a selfless manner. I have become intensely aware of just how difficult that really is. Self has so many layers, and makes such incessant demands! It is so difficult to even Love G-d a smidgen! I mean really. I begin to worship and suddenly I find that I have left worshiping and I am going for water, or tea, or a blanket, or a fan, or a visit to the little room! Or, suddenly I am aware that my tummy is rumbling, or my mind has wandered off without me again, because the cares of the moment - financial conundrums or issues with kids or hubby or assorted friends, family or relations, suddenly loom like Goliath over the camp, breathing threats and worse case scenarios! And then I jerk myself back and I'm thinking, give me a break! Where is the remote-control for this thing! Trying to focus this hell-bent thing on G-d is the hardest work I will ever do! I am totally convinced of this!

I really understand why so many just say, "to hell with this, this is an exercise in utter futility!", and slink away to find a beer and some mental distraction on the tube! I do. So far, thankfully, I haven't done that, very possibly because I have a touch of OCD! Which isn't a flattering or comforting aspect to consider, but very realistic, for whatever that is worth! However, let me say that I am not trying to belittle the efforts which the Spirit of G-d has wrought over me, but only to accurately assess what He has been able to accomplish with all my fleshly obstruction to His work! The changes that have occurred, for example, that I can occasionally get my head outside the realm of "me, myself, and I" long enough to even consider that I have obstructed His work, etc. are miraculous and cause me to burst into spontaneous praise on a regular basis! He is Awe Inspiring! And my one hope is that I believe He will complete that which He has begun in me! But I am forced to stop occasionally and contemplate the odds against that, knowing how I am and all! Still, thankfully, mercifully, He is just that much more powerful than anything we can drum up, so, it is alright, it will be alright, it has been alright! Progress is progress! My hope - thankfully - is in the Lord who made heaven and earth, and not in my own ability to cooperate! So it's all good!

As to the things that concern me, however, let me give you a glimpse. Recently, due to the wonders of "Face Book", I came across a person of great talent, whose talent I have admired from afar for many years. This person's gift has literally, as Scriptures say, "brought him before kings". He is an amazing musician! And I found him to be, surprisingly, accessible to me, "Mrs. Nobody"! lol So I began to communicate with him. But eventually, in communicating with him over some stuff he had posted, I found what I considered to be a "chink" in the "glowing armor" (which of course I had single-handedly constructed with no facts whatsoever!). What! Not perfect (read, does not agree with ME), in ideology, all spiritual truths, etc! "Off with his head!" lol

Now of course I responded to him outwardly with as much honesty and grace as I could muster, but inwardly there raged a battle! And I was forced to realize, once again, how frail my devotion to G-d really is, how little I trust Him as "One who is in control of everything", how small my world of faith really is, and how little I know about spiritual things - particularly "Love"! Then there have been a few things that have gone down on a personal level between myself and those who know me best, or should, but don't, because I hide! Ugh. That is so nasty. But it is unfortunately true! No wonder Shaul (whom we call Paul), cried out, "Wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death?"! Fortunately for us that was not just a rhetorical question, he already had an answer, "Baruch Ha Shem!", "Thanks be to G-d!" .

He will complete what He has begun in us. I don't know about you, but that constitutes my entire basis for Shabbot Rest! Sometimes self-realization is not such a bad thing, if one can face the truth about ones-self, however, if not balanced with His truth about us, it can lead to sever depression and even more obsession or self-absorption than before! No one needs that kind of grief! So, today, again, and as many times as it takes, will gladly, willingly and deliberately, roll all my cares onto Him, knowing that He cares for me, and those I am learning to love, better than I ever could! Therefore, I lay all judgment aside, especially of me, and I rest my case!

Shabbot Shalom Chavarim!