I don't know what it is about these things that touch “that nerve” in me – but almost every time I see this I just HAVE to respond! I am so Thankful that it is not ALL men! If it were I would NOT be happily married – or - married at all - in fact!
So you real men out there, please, kindly ignore my dripping sarcasm! But I do happen to know – and can not seem to “Love” - a large number of men who would loudly applaud, and feel exceedingly pleased by, these horrifically stupid “rules”. I know we are supposed to love everyone! Even our enemies! But in the case of these kind of men I have to agree with the comedian whose name I have forgotten in saying, “Jesus love you, but I think you're an a-hole!”
I want to say up front that my utterly sarcastic female responses, which are in parenthesis, are aimed onlyat these kind of selfish, narcissistic, non-invested bullies – who are stupid enough to be so prideful as to honestly believe they rule!
When in reality – NO ONE –meaning - NEITHER SIDE – gets to make “the rules” of these relationships! Actually, there is already a rule book that BOTH sides are supposed to go by! And if we ever get hold of that concept the divorce rates will plummet significantly!
I know that Proverbs says never to answer a fool according to his folly – but ….. the temptation was just too great this time. Pray for me!
(Wow. The title does forewarn us of the coming stupidity)
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
(Yeah, If you like lame, irresponsible, selfish, unfeeling excuses for unreasonable behavior!)
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE - NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
(omg! We women are sitting breathlessly on the edge of our seats!)
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
(Typical redundancy of idiotic chauvinist piggos)
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
(Because men of that caliber can't count above one!? Hey! Maybe that's why they always call themselves that - "Number One"! Perhaps they can't remember their own names either! )
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
(Because it takes one to know one?)
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
(No, that's because if we happen to leave it down you just whiz all over it for us to sit in – that is what “pisses us off”, by the way! Get a clue moron!)
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
(As well as an occasional logical response to REAL emotional pain – which insensitive morons like you frequently cause! But you don't want the responsibility of discerning that – do you? )
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST. SAY. IT!
(And I will be just as clear – with jerk wads of this caliber “Just saying it” usually doesn't work either!)
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
(Because you guys usually ignore both equally!?)
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
(Oh so THAT is what you call what you do!? Okay then! Perhaps you should try sympathy - you might be better at that!?)
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
(Is that possibly because you don't even pay attention to what YOU say, much less to what WE say?)
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
(We are not asking for an assessment jerk-wad! We are asking for comfort and acceptance – even gentle encouragement to change would be well received! And besides .....you're no Thor yourself sweetie!)
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
(Of course you do. Because you are just that lame. And we should believe you because....?)
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
(And we might as well save our breath, because: A. you will do it your own way no matter what we say, want or hope – and/or - B. we will end up doing it ourselves anyway about 99.9% of the time!)
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
(Because you care THAT much! Sniffle, sniff!)
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
(MMMHHHMMMM – and we hope you get the same results – a misnamed continent full of hostiles!)
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
(We get it hon. If it is not on the color wheel you learned in the third grade you won't recognize it - NEXT!)
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
(Because – 1. our relationship means SO much to you!? - OR - 2. You are notoriously lazy and uninvolved? - Or - 3. You are really tired of sex!? - Or – 4. All of the above?)
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
(Okay then - If you persist in giving us answers we don't want to hear, then learn to expect questions that you won't want to answer! Put that in your little wad of snuff and ruminate it!)
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
(So then why not just humor us for God's sake!? How !@#$#! hard is that?!)
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
(OR - ! - How about if you work on expanding your little bitty horizons! Or you may find us talking to someone else!)
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
(That is SO-NOT your call – you are not my Dad, my keeper or my God!)
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
(also Not your call – since jerk wads like you rarely notice what we wear anyway!)
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
(Wow. So funny I forgot to laugh! BTW, So are those indescribable “shapes” that road kill make – if just being “a shape” is your goal – which can be arranged....just sayin')
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
(And that is a really good thing, for SO many reasons! The couch is being moved to the dog house, as we type, by the way! The one with the #1 on the front. So you'll feel right at home! ~ Ms. Haddie Nuff! )