"Be Careful What One Prays For ..." Part Two

If you didn't read the blog from yesterday you might want to go back and catch it, so you won't be utterly lost. I am continuing my post on some of the prayer I've prayed, and how it seemed, at first, to be more of a challenge than a blessing! But then realizing that all challenges ARE BLESSINGS, because they are sent, and intended, to forge HIS Character in us!

Now. Taking up from where I left off yesterday, please understand that my “cave” I found in Oregon, (which turned out to be a 5x7 room for which I was paying $500 a month rent) just happened to be in the basement of a “Clean and Sober House”.

Which meant that it's other rooms were inhabited by women, mostly younger ladies, who were bravely recovering from addictions, all at various stages of recovery. So. Maybe I didn't get quite the privacy that Elijah got!

But then  - I also had NOT brought down any false idols (not for a lack of trying!), nor slain any false prophets (...because The Holy Spirit wouldn't let me kill Gene, and/or any of the leadership who had unintentionally abused or afflicted me spiritually! Because they weren't entirely “false” I guess, except on just a couple of scriptural issues . . . It was complicated. Anyway... back to the cave … ) He sent me there to HEAL and REST.

But as is HIS way, HE frequently accomplishes those things in us by getting our minds off ourselves and onto others! We REST from self-absorption,  familiarity, old patterns, etc. And apparently the ONE young lady I went to help wasn't going to command enough of my attention to accomplish that "rest" from my own conundrums, so, “wallah!”, several other folks with various challenges, dysfunctions and life-issues to pray for, to confront as lovingly and firmly as possible, and whatever else Holy Spirit led me to do for or with them, appeared in the general vicinity of my cave! Some a couple of floors up, some a couple of doors down.... 

There were times I said to God – so – Okay – I get it! I am “resting” from THAT situation at “home”. But could we maybe tone it down just a bit here? I know that YOU don't get tired, but I am not living that life yet! Lol

He and I have a very honest relationship. But hey, He knows I'm thinking it. And, most people still haven't figured out if it is a plus or a minus, but pretending is just something I've never been able to do. I mean, even when I was a little kid, and other kids would say, “Let's play pretend!”, I was like, “Why?!”. Lol So. Yeah my default is tell it like I see it at any given moment!

Thankfully I am being upgraded to “see” things more through The Spirit's lenses, since I now have “The Mind of Christ/The Anointed One.” So hopefully I will continue growing in that, and dying to the fleshly perspectives, so that this bent toward spilling "Truth" will ever continue to work toward the good!

But back to that cave – my time there was a great time! Though of course it had its challenges! It certainly was not a VACAY in the Bahamas! But in that time of reflection, rest, and giving to others, God did heal some of the worst bitterness, and He DID continue the work in Gene as well.

Right before I left for Oregon, God had led us to this little fellowship in Kannapolis. Shortly after we got there Gene got involved in a “Band of Brothers”, men who were all seeking deliverance from some of the stuff he had been dealing with as well. They all went through “The Conquer Series” together, and developed an interactive "brotherhood". So I was hopeful as I was leaving, that those connections could breathe some life into him.

AND I DID make it a point to make him aware that my return WAS UTTERLY DEPENDENT on seeing CHANGE – real REPENTANCE – and the resulting life-alterations which that should bring!

I had determined, in putting the marriage on the alter, that it was all firmly in God's hands. He could,  and - I believed - wanted to - resurrect this dead horse we called a marriage – which had been deceased (as far as romantic involvement, or even liking the man - often to the point of resisting just wanting to end him -  was concerned. Well, there WAS that whole “til death do us part thing...”, just sayin').

But, my point was that the marriage had been stone cold dead for decades! Mostly because – from my perspective, he stabbed it through the heart a couple of good times and then ignored it while it died!!! 

I had suffered much. Not that he hasn't! Of course! Living with a disappointed wife is never a fun ride! But the point was that most of both of our sufferings, and my utter disappointment, had been caused by his stubborn, prideful resistance to GOD, and the issues which this stubborn resistance has caused in our finances, family and marital relationship.

I had taken MY well-noted, ultra-condemned, ever surfacing, issues to God!!!! AND "LEADERSHIP"!!!!  I had sought help, incessantly (well, as diligently as I could while home educating SEVEN children and taking care of OUR aging parents, AND being the main hupper (cook, maid and anything else that no one else wanted to do) at every “fellowship” we were ever involved in!!!!

BUT, after almost twenty bloody years of being half killed by well-meaning, but thoroughly deceived and discernment-less, “spiritual leadership” I took these issues to - while seeking help -  I finally found the help I needed to deal with all the suppressed memories from my horrific childhood!

The Spirit of God connected me with a compassionate female Pastor at one of those seemingly endless, somewhat nauseating, but ultimately sort of helpful, women's conferences I went to!

So I began to drive an hour, ever other week, down to the deliverance ministry she was hosting at “The Healing Rooms of Guilford County”, which was a ministry of “Jubilee Worship Center”. I made that drive every other Thursday for TWELVE years. Just to resolve my CHILDHOOD issues, which were a result of horrific and sustained sexual abuse – along with many other kinds of abuse – which had began in infancy – and had been well suppressed!

So all of that emotional burden, plus severe sexual frustration from several decades of living with a man that got his rocks off at my expense, and passed out before my needs could be addressed, MIGHT explain all that shouting and angst.... just sayin'. But no one ever took THAT into consideration! 

“Spiritual leadership” consistently put ALL the blame, shame and pressure on ME, and NEVER asked him to come in – to maybe see what was up with him! Because in their eyes HE LOOKED OKAY?!!! So yeah. Part two of the bitterness pill!

But then Proverbs 17:28 DOES state clearly, “Even a fool is considered wise if he keeps silent, and discerning when he holds his tongue.” Well. I think we proved the verity of THAT Scripture to the utmost!

But then, the ONE thing the man did MOST excel at was keeping that mouth shut! Keeping his prideful, struggling self thoroughly protected! All the while letting my TMI (overloaded), overly honest, struggling, self take the hits, look like a drama queen, and be his scapegoat!

It took years of healing for me to realize that was what was going on, and that JESUS was THE Scapegoat so I didn't have to keep doing that now! AND that “accountability” was supposed to flow in all directions, NOT just from “the head” down!!!!!

Not that my husband was a "fool". Well. We all have our moments, nobody's perfect! But he did do a LOT of very foolish things over the last almost four decades, for which I usually got the blame, OR, was left to clean up the mess from, OR  was just the one (usually along with our seven kids) who was massively inconvenienced by his foolishness! Hence the bitter root with which I am now dealing, from which I am now healing! 

The point I guess, is that some of this clarity, as to the degree of the problem, and the real root of it, was made much clearer in my little “Cave”, during that “break” - from here. And in that time Gene also came to realize a couple of things. PRAISE THE LIVING GOD!!!!! Because, as I have made clear, I wasn't planning on coming back unless he acknowledged HIS part in this mess, and WANTED to FIX it badly enough to make some MAJOR changes! Unless HE was willing to acknowledge and HELP clean up this MESS that HE mostly made!!!! 

Thankfully, by the time The Spirit of God released me to come home, which took about three months, I came home to a man who was noticeably more humble, honest and willing to work WITH me and not against me! Again, ALL PRAISE TO GOD! For getting down to this before I died, went to jail for losing it and ending his flesh in the most literal of ways, or just went so looney I had to be locked up! Break down was hovering, if Breakthrough had not finally come! Just sayin'! 

So again, I DID get what I prayed for! It DID come with challenges. Oh yes! And it always will. Somehow that part is left out by most people. But LIFE on this fallen planet will never be without struggles of some kind. It is foolish of us indeed to ever expect otherwise! 

I think OUR choice is - will we choose GOD's way of dealing with the struggles, or continue to be self-absorbed idiots trying in vain to work it all out ourselves, continuously doing the same things while expecting different results – because we are so pattern oriented?! 

We ALL need the reprogramming of The Spirit. Not just the “crazy”, damaged people like me! Sometimes that will require us to be willing to leave what is familiar, comfortable – though it may also miserable – circumstances which we have enabled by our former choices! It may require us to go to some inconvenience and deliberate effort to CHANGE! Repentance is about actual, active, intentional CHANGE! Not just saying "sorry" all the time! Godly sorrow leads to REPENTANCE! So that other stuff is not Godly. We need to let that mess go now. It is gaslighting, emotional manipulation. God will take that mess out! 

We must CHOOSE HIS LIFE, if we ever want to rise above the low-life of negativity, frustration and broken relationships – whether that is with  our spouse, “significant-other” (a.k.a. Spouse substitute), kids, friends, family or neighbors! If we ever want His Kingdom to come, and HIS WILL to be done in our lives, then we must continuously CHOOSE that Kingdom and that Will as our own.

So. That is another chapter in MY journey to become a better daughter of The Most High God! As well as the efforts of the last four decades to save a marriage that GOD ordained, but which the devil has attacked the whole way. This vigil to find the “Togetherness” which HE prophesied over us at the beginning – so that “WE” can bring His Kingdom Perspective and Boundaries back to Marriage, Family and Community – through a Godly example! THAT is what I signed on for! And I have hung on like a bull dog on a bloody bone - with the help of His Spirit! 

What a journey it has been! But finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I declare right now that it is NOT another train! ;) 

Shalom Haverim!