Finishing a Race

A dear loved one of mine appears to be dying, attempting to shuck this mortal coil for diggings more eternal. I have a lot of mixed feelings flying around haphazardly that I need to try and pin down.

First of all, I can not assume that she will succeed. She has been to this door several times in the last ten years and has not chosen to open and go through it. She has rallied her considerable strength and come back to us, content to travel with us a bit further.And we have been overjoyed to assist her in that effort!

Recently, however, her contentment has fled. She had recovered from the physical and mental assailants very well, I believed that I heard G-d say that she would be restored, and indeed she was. She was restored back to where she was before the afflictions came. But then she was asked to go on.  However,  it was made known to her that the path would not look the same as the one she had come down! There were more challenges and less material rewards, it would be somewhat foreign to what she had been used to. And so, in considering the pros and cons of this prospect, she decided that she did not want to invest anymore strength into that venture.

Perhaps I am speaking too boldly for some. Yet, she and I had many an avid discussion, and I have intimately watched her struggles and monitored her progress. I know when she made the decision to stop going forward. I was there when she stopped walking, stopped fighting, stopped cooperating with living, and just sat down. Yet, I must be honest in saying that I have watched this process occur three times, over the last five years, and there is but one difference in this time. A difference that has me on the verge of both mourning and anger. This time she openly admitted that the perceived plan just wasn't good enough for her! She decided that to live, needing assistance, was just not worth it to her.

At first I was tempted to be angry at her for "wasting ten years of my time" making up her mind! But then I realized that it is not an easy thing, to give up on life. That it requires a lengthy process of counting the cost of it! We are, after all, rather attached to it, and the information about "what comes next" is rather sketchy and sometimes too sci-fi for our pondering. I have come to admire her fight and pluck instead. I am, of course, somewhat disappointed that she decided to bail out on us, and still a bit steamed about that. After all, I have invested more than most into her well-being, and have spear-headed most of the efforts required for her to struggle back from the brink! I fought a fierce fight, when she had nothing to contribute except her will. I engaged others in that fight, but there were parts that I fought alone. And a valiant and successful fight it was, at that! We gained her ten good years, and a chance to live on, if she wanted it.

I am not regretting that. After all is said and done, I find that I do not begrudge her that time. She was a soul worth saving, worth knowing, worth investing blood, sweat and tears into! After struggling with the feelings of frustration, rejection and anger, I have come to the conclusion that she was absolutely worth my time, which is not as light a thing as it sounds. At more than half a century, myself, time is a valuable commodity! I take little for granted these days! But I know that I gained more than I invested. The riches I gleaned from caring for her, directly (in emotional and mental rewards) as well as spiritually (in things difficult to assess in this realm), far outweighed any "trouble" I may have been caused.

And though I believe that I know what is transpiring here, and I believe that she is getting just what she wants - real rest at last, the end of the struggle, Shalom/ Peace, that is beyond the reach of mortals, etc. - it is still hard to watch the end of the race!  How I wish we could see into the heavenlies and see that freed spirit of the released loved ones break that ribbon and fall into the arms of a waiting Messiah!

But no, we only get to see the last heave of the chest as they finally surrender that last breath, we can only see the life drain from the coloring, we can only see the indescribable struggle to let go, which looks too much like suffering to us. We do not get to see the chariot that collects them, or the rejoicing loved ones that receive them, or the glow of happy achievement that comes in the realization that they finally made it! Much like we have experienced in many a graduate lately, only different because there is no "bitter-sweetness". Once that goal is achieved, there is only sweet! No, we get to see none of that glorious stuff, we are left to conjure it in our imaginations, if we will or can.

But rather, we are left behind to continue the struggle without them. We are left with the inglorious task of dealing with the "remains" of that which housed that worthy life, that life which has gone on, or passed over - I can not say "died" - since I believe that she will live on - only more so!  I do not see this as only an end, since it is just as much as a beginning. And I think I always get a bit angry though, because we are left behind! And our only recourse, besides to congratulate them in our hearts for their achievement - is to miss them, mourn them, honor them, and wait and work for an eternal reunion at the end of our own race.

Of course there is relief as well. The relief of a decision finally being made. The relief of reaching the end of a very hard job - for though it was a labor of love, it was very much a labor! And, more than all of that, the nearly overwhelming sense of relief that perhaps she is happy at last! For though I was able to accomplish getting her well, I never did accomplish getting her happy. She simply could not adjust to her lack of independence, which I did not have the power to vouchsafe to her. She simply could never settle with having to need us, to require help from anyone. The idea vexed her quite thoroughly.

And so she is again laying in that bed, while standing (in her mind & soul) in that valley of decision, working to let go of the life that she (with lots of help) has spent the last ten years fighting to hold on to! The struggle wearies us both. Though I feel it was her deliberate decision that brought us to this place, and that it is ultimately what she wanted, still the process grieves me and I wish I could make this easier for her. Alas, it is out of my hands. There is nothing anyone can do now.

She could, of course, summon her will to live, and rally back to us again. And if she can settle the independence issues that would be grand! She does have the potential, after all, to live a good while longer! But if she decides to cross on over, I can not blame her. Were I to be offered the choice I do not know that I would have the patience to stay here either. This place, this world, becomes more tediously intolerable to me every day! lol But I am nowhere near the end of my race, if I perceive correctly.  I have been offered no such package! I am here for the duration, however long that is. I only hope that I can run the rest with endurance, patience, determination and gratitude. For it is those things which make the journey worthwhile, and tolerable for all.

As we wait to see what she ultimately decides, we must deal with our own fatigue, roller-coaster feelings, and inconveniences. But I pray only for her comfort, strength and help to deal with what is ahead of her, either way. I do not know how to otherwise pray, for I do not want to hold her if she desires to go, nor to "drop" her if she desires to stay. I hope she resolves this soon. I dearly hate indecision, "limbo", halting between two places, being stuck in suspended animation, I need to be moving in a direction, or resting in an established place. Pacing and waiting is not my best game. But His grace is still sufficient. I am suddenly aware that I must get another down-load for today then, and so I shall.

Shalom to All.