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February 14 2011 2 14 /02 /February /2011 00:54

Watching her walk away a wave of sorrow engulfed him. He was truly sorry that he had not kept the vows he made. He had meant to this time! He had thought, just for a moment, while they were there, under the arbor in the garden, looking at each other with that wistful - forever - look, that he could.

 

And for awhile it seemed that he had done it! It really seemed that he had beaten the monster that was forever ruining his life! But then it was back, that same old haunting temptation, that pull that was inescapable. He didn't understand the pull, it produced an ecstasy beyond anything expressible, and yet filled him with self-loathing beyond words, he felt pathetic for being its slave. It seemed that he would be forever bound, forever doomed to being a disappointment to himself and others.

 

He was sorry that he had blamed her, trying to avoid his own guilt. But the shame was so excruciating that he could not face it yet. He had decided that he would, that he would man up. When she had called him, asking to meet, he was sure that somehow she knew. But then, there were the accusations again, she had no way to prove it! Like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar, there he was with no defense, no reasonable answers. Shifting the blame back to her was an old game, but it confused the issues long enough for him to escape the inevitable taking of responsibility. Responsibility which he could not live up to, responsibility which he had failed to master time and again.

 

This was his third marriage. The first had ended in divorce as well, the second, in the death of his wife. But he sensed that somehow she had died rather than face the truth of what they were, this thought haunted him often, he turned to his habit for comfort. His heart screamed for comfort!

 

He swore under his breath. He hated emotion! He could see no real use for it. He steeled his heart, once again, against the pain, a practice perfected in early childhood. He let his mind drift back to the internet images that had started this whole crazy thing. Alienation of affection the papers had said, but what could be wrong with wanting to dull his pain? She was just crazy after all.

 

He absentmindedly finished his cold coffee, the bitter chill of which echoed the bitter chill of his heart, threw the cup in the trash, and walked out to his truck – alone again....

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  • : SELAH Jubilee Lady Writes 4 Shalom
  • : I love to write, all about life, and what is going on in it. And about the Beloved Creator, Who sponsored it! I hope to intrigue and inspire.
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  • Sandra Carlton Duncan
  • I am a devoted follower of Yeshua, the Messiah. I have been married to Gene Duncan II for 37  years, and counting. I have 7 children, 3 boys & 4 girls - all grown up. They have been home educated, K-12. I also write, hence the blog  (including, but not limited to: children's books, poems, and personal growth art. ) Please stay tuned as I share my personal journey through poems and writing.
  • I am a devoted follower of Yeshua, the Messiah. I have been married to Gene Duncan II for 37 years, and counting. I have 7 children, 3 boys & 4 girls - all grown up. They have been home educated, K-12. I also write, hence the blog (including, but not limited to: children's books, poems, and personal growth art. ) Please stay tuned as I share my personal journey through poems and writing.

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