I thought him to be the one who would care for her, our treasure, the beat of our hearts,
I thought that he would be one who would give his life in her defense, as we would have,
he seemed to judge our inadequacies so hard, surely he had more to offer? This, "Prince Charming"?
To find out now that he used her affections selfishly, ignoring her needs and pleas for change. To know that he sucked up all her love and grace, while catering, and insisting that she cater, to his own whining flesh! To find that the flaunted honor was bogus, the caring actions were all well choreograhed pretense and the manners were only carefully orchestrated manipulation! To come to realize that the flaws I thought I had detected were real after all, and that “Prince Charming” really was the dastardly “Chuckie Churlish” in disguise, and that I did not save her from him . . .
But then, she was “of age”! What moron decided that?! What idiot decided that she had her “rights” , and that she should be allowed to ruin her own life at a whim, simply because, "she was, after all, eighteen"! So damned old, so incredibly wise! But, at any rate, the general consensus (if you left God out of it, which everyone did!) was that she was no longer answerable to me, and that she could, therefore, do as she pleased! And, unfortunately, she “pleased” to throw a portion of her young life away on this phony, “high-class” liar, who had a big budget - but a cheap heart and selfish motives. He was a big spender while building the gilded cage at least!
I am still frustrated at having her training ripped from my hands, my wisdom trampled by all, and my heart ripped from its place! I still suffer from the shame, and burning fury, of remembering how those who deemed themselves to be in charge of my world applauded, as my authority was violently wrendhed from me, and my self-esreem, once again lay trampled in the dust of her lust, for, what she imagined to be, freedom!
I am still even more angry, almost bitter at being over-ridden, not supported, and thoroughly betrayed by her own father, my own husband, who sided against me, to her own hurt, not to mention my hurt, thinking he was doing her a favor!
Inwardly, at times, I find that I am still fuming at “spiritual leadership” who took "her side", (which was only rebellion fueled by her childish immature struggling against good boundaries) against me, accusing me of awful things, like “control issues” and “jezebel spirits”, while they usurped my God-given authority in my daughter's life, and ignored my rightful place as her mother, while effectively turning her loose to her own devices!
I still reel from the pain of rejection and the frustration of utter helplessness as I watched her make one bad decision after another, while all the morons looked on and applauded her “wisdom” and “responsibility”, not recognizing, as I did, that it was only manipulation and deception! That she was performing a dramatic piece. They all fell for it – hook, line and sinker. It is a good thing for them that she hates fish!
I still reel, feeling swimmy headed, like one who has received a great blow, at the staggering bewilderment of being abandoned by all, and still feeling the sting of betrayal by those who pledged trust, multiplying the pain of the violent departure of one to whom had been given the best years of my life, and for what? To have them trampled under as so much fodder? ! Still cringing at the utter humiliation of having one's motives questioned, one's sense devalued and one's personal esteem trodden under – and in the name of Christ! It was a nightmare of epic proportions, a tsunami of emotions to overcome, and at times I am forced to realize that I have not fully overcome them! At times I still feel that downward pull of bitterness over it all! But with God's gracious help, this too shall pass!
It is easier, now, that has she realized, in the nick of time, what he truly was; and has fled for her life! It is less painful for me, now that she is “safe”. Well, as safe as a young woman, who is head-strong and heart-empty, can be in today's thorny and unwelcoming world. I rest a bit easier now that his grip on her is loosed and she can hear again. I can breathe for a moment.
I force myself to fall back upon the God of all comforts, releasing him - the boyfreind – and all those who aided and abetted his satanically induced plot, to God's forgiveness or judgment, (humanly wanting to decided that issue, but knowing my limitations)! I heave a great sigh of relief, shed a few grateful tears, and sleep a few listless hours - full of dreams of narrow escapes! If only offspring knew how their decisions affect those that love them! Perhaps they would take less risks, perhaps they would gamble less? Ah, but cluelessness is a privilege of the young!
Who knows where the next turn in the road will take her? She loves the edge, this one! She always has! Now , as the siblings behind her begin to fall in love, begin to take chances, to crave adventure, I know that I can not smother them, but I do not know if I can live through this five more times! The one ahead of her is almost too cautious, almost too afraid for his own good! That is also hard to watch! It prompts hard questions, like, "Did we hamper his confidence so severely"? And, then, "how did she get so sure of herself!"? Or, "Did we really affect them at all"?! Oy vey! I only hope that I can hold on through whatever storms life , with seven grown up children, will bring! I have prayed since conception for each of these, I trust that those prayers will yield the desired results. I can only trust that they will, It is the only hope of sleep that I have!
Child-rearing is not for the faint-hearted! I laughed at “the terrible twos”, thinking, “What saps can't handle people half their size?”! But the teen years terrified me! Me, who had an eleven-pound baby at home , with no medications! And the young adult years have broken me, just when God had begun to repair the damage of childhood abuse! Now I am facing the more subtle abuse of being disreagrded and not properly respected by my own children, and for years I put up with that from my husband as well, that is the main reason that the children withhold it, but he is beginning to see it and change. I am so thankful for that. Yet, it is still almost too much to bear at times – will there never be a place of quiet rest for me?!
For now, however, she seems to be in a safe enough place, and I am healing again! However, spiritually speaking, I still think she dances too close to the edge, takes too many chances, and is entirely too impulsive. As for the “boyfriend”, he is a thing of the past. At times I hurt for him too. For all his “privilege” he is severely lacking in character, people skills, and life skills. He has much intellectual promise, but little back bone, and even less wisdom. He has abused, and lost, a jewel of irreplaceable value. His heart seems broken by that, but then why did he esteem it so lightly when he had it? Perhaps he is an “idiot-savant”, one who is exceedingly brilliant in some area, but completely deficient at life skills? I vacillate between pity for him and strong urges to hunt him down and do violence to him! On the one hand, I hurt for him as a mother hurts for her young, yet, on the other hand, he hurt one of mine, and he deserves to die, and no death would be too violent for him! I just hope he steers clear, with his arrogant ways until the anger subsides! I pray that he has enough sense to just let it go – so I can. I hope that if I ever see him, the correct "hand" is in control! I want to reach out to them both, to comfort, to heal, to care. But my hands have been tied. By law, by free-will, by others who think they know best, by my daughter – who thinks that she knows best.
And really, who's to say? I know that somehow God got me from the mess that comprised my young adult years to this place of rest and wisdom, and that He somehow will get my kids there too! I had much less of a chance, percentage-wise, of ever getting here from there, I feel confident that they will make it! I rest in His ability to heal anything, and guide anyone, even head-strong, heart-empty girls! And I should know, that described me for many years! lol Plus, I never had the love and support which my kids have had, so they will be alright. I will live clinging to His promises for them and for me. There is still hope for His wonderful plans to be accomplished - even for the odious other, Oh Bother!