Where is the Line?
Over the years we have been looked to by others for help, but to us it seems that we have more often been the ones on the “needing help” end of the stick. Being on both ends has taught me some valuable lessons about giving and helping.
The first lesson is that many people are completely clueless about either. My definition of help has developed into this – something that is asked for, or offered and accepted – with NO strings attached! There can be a pre-arranged barter if desired, and both parties are agreeable and able to live up to their ends – but no deal changing in mid-stream – unless it is unavoidable, and all parties have been duly notified! And my definition of “giving” is that something is offered, received, released and blessed! Sounds simple, and yet so many seemingly do NOT get it.
There should also be no ulterior motives, and no “indian giving” - a now “non-politically correct” colloquialism which has meant giving with the intent to steal back. (Or, as in the southern “indian-givers” method of retrieval, to unmercifully harrass or manipulate until item is returned – which are the methods local natives most use to retrieve what they still believe to be “their property” though it was previously “given” to achieve a desired favor, exchange, or leverage!).
One should harbor no regrets in what one has given, or with what one has offered help. This is a sure sign of misplaced motives on the part of the giver/helper, or – on the other end - a boundary infraction on the part of the needer/receiver. Obviously, (though obviously not so obvious to some) one should count the cost BEFORE giving or helping – and one should make sure that one knows exactly what that cost is – as much as can be humanly determined – and how much one wants to give, and set FIRM boundaries on that, to avoid regrets later on. Giving should be an act of the free will, otherwise it becomes something ugly - like extortion, rape or mugging!
We must use discernment in our helping and giving, however. Sometimes our flesh has a hidden agenda to salve some guilty conscience, or to justify the continued (though subtle, or selectively subconcious) bad treatment of the one to whom our “help” or “gift” is being offered. Sometimes we can enable sin by rushing in to help when they have brought difficult consequences down on their heads. Sometimes we can encarcerate others in their past patterns by judging them on past abuse of our generosity, and refusing them help as we refuse to acknowledge their change – our vision being clouded by our unforgiving offense at their former behavior, when in fact God has changed their heart and character!
So, as anything else, there is a ditch waiting on both sides of this act of giving or helping. We are told to give, and to help. We are told to reach to other's needs and do what we can to allieviate them! But we do need to pay attention, and be sure that we are not playing the part of a junior providence in their lives. We need to be sure that we are not simply meeting a need of our own to hold, or maximize, the advantage – in which being the one helping or giving inevitably puts us.
Giving and helping should be Spirit led, from the compassion and mercy of God, not from fleshly pity or from an irritated over-grown, misconstrued sense of responsibility! The Scriptures state that each should bear his own load, but that we should be quick to relieve another's burdens! But what is the difference between a load or a burden? I believe that one's load consists of the things which one clearly can and should do for himself, and that a burden is something which is too heavy to be born - that which is undeserved, unplanned for, unavoidable, and unmanageable by the one on which it has fallen! Some of that “Life Happens” stuff.
To “relieve” folks of responsibility for their lives, which clearly belongs to them, and which they can handle if they will, is to inhibit and constrict their character and growth – to rob them of the freedom which is the gift of maturity! Bu, on the other hand, to turn a cold heart and a deaf ear, ignoring the cries of one falling under a great weight, is to condemn our fellowmen to a life of misery, and falls terribly short of God's love! Responsibility is to be stepped up to, suffering is to be relieved! And we are not often the best judge of which is what.
So again, in my observation, there is a balance to this whole conundrum which is too often missed; but to which we need now pay careful and close attention. These two mistakes, these two “ditches” are too easy to wander into for our ever confused fleshly man-side. But they are to be avoided, and can only be avoided, by the help of the Spirit. Please note, however, that they are more easily avoided when our own boundaries become aligned with His, and our own character begins to reflect His more accurately!
So. Those are my observations and conclusions on the subject. It is my hope, as always, that the light which I have received may help other travellers on their journey to Truth. Shalom Chavarim!