A Transformation Transfusion

Lost....in a sea of feelings... seemingly random yet intrinsically connected issues of life... spiritual ironies, seeming contradictions...trying to grasp things which are far above my present capacity for understanding... wondering....wanting a sense of stability...security...feeling betrayed....rejected....swallowed in a vague fog...wandering in a nondescript mist with no idea which way the sunlight is....

Caught....in patterns of thinking and talking that are clearly counterproductive to all relationships - spiritual and temporal...emerged in distracted habits of flesh that are an utter waste of time at best and totally destructive at worst....chained to a way of life that seemed like good choices at the time, but which has not worked out as expected...choking regrets...20/20 hindsight...still somehow distorted...warped...like "fun-house mirrors" that produce terror instead of fun....

Tangled....in a web of "hope deferred"... tragic disappointment in so many areas where bright expectation once led the way...now overshadowed by doubt and weariness and clouds heavy with sorrows of seemingly shattered dreams....so many attachments... weights...burdens...sinking my fragile strength...drowning me...a drop at a time...a tear at a time... a muffled sob...a choked question...a diminished trust....

Tired...weary....against the commandment....sadly, reluctantly, weary in well doing....so exhausted at what seems to be only exercises in futility...weary of fighting to the surface only to be dunked again...tired of lifting up hope only to lose my grip on it again...holding on tightly only to have hope wrenched from my grasp and dashed before my wonder weary eyes....tired of tears....tired...so very tired of hopes - dreams - wishes - plans - expectations - all deferred...again and again and again...in a seemingly endless pattern of disillusionment....life failing...I feel my soul falling...tumbling into a darkness that can be felt...promising peace while whispering threats of death...

Then....miracles recur...as they have many times in the past...too many times to count....familiar...welcome...faithful...GRACE....desperately needed....profoundly undeserved...

Saved...by a still small voice...a shadowy figure walking toward me through the crashing waves of a tsunami-like storm...a word of life at the darkest moment...a hand reaches down to me...comfort barely perceiveable...but definitely there...a song floats up, from the many stored memories ... at just the appropriate time...quieting the beating heart and blusterous winds...suddenly a beckoning can be heard ..."Come unto Me..." a piece of Rock on which to stand appears, just when the ground had disappeared...hope somehow restored through a prayer not whispered...a scream for help not yet formed....

Raised...by a deliberately cultivated - unconscious habit of praise... a sense of His worth that overrides all feeling or sensation...a true thankfulness for what HE has done, whether I can get hold of it or not...a realization of something beyond my little universe...an eternity beyond my three feet of space...Life from the dead....a whispered hint that though hope may be deferred it can not be defunct....though it may be too frequently deferred for my liking - yet - it can not be destroyed...hope is an eternal download of His Spirit...the same Spirit that rose Messiah from His grave...and it returns to me now...despite my reluctant distrust of it...and raises me from my "grave" of disappointed dreams...and leads me on toward the LIFE He died to give me...in spite of myself....

Released...from the lost, caught, tangled, weary, chain of myself...I follow on a bit further...on the path which He has enlightened for me...tracking His steps...noting His example...free once again....free to dance...to worship...to hope...to live.....to breathe....to love...to be....His.

Reminded...refreshed....once again...I rise to run the next lap of this race...I rise with renewed hope...restored life...reborn vision....revived dreams....and revised trust...recaptured by His Love...

relieved...rejoicing....recharged...resisting the past...reaching forward...really accepted...regally adopted....ransomed... REDEEMED.