....And Other Delights of the “Me” That Everyone Once Knew (Which Have Survived the Refiner's Fire....)
Having overcome the painful self-rejection phase, I sense that I am now, finally, settling into the perfected “ME” that God has made/is making, as the perfection/transformation process continues. The Authentic “me”, having had the multiple personalities consolidated, healed, or removed, and having had the residua issues slowly resolved, and the many strongholds torn down! Being finished with the “remodeling” project of my ransacked soul, the old torn down, the trash taken away, sensing that the rebuilding has begun - I am now learning, and accepting, who I am, what He wants, where He is taking me, and becoming, finally “comfortable in this skin”. I am finally experiencing that sense of wholeness, and well-being – which was the intention of God for all His prime creation, that of becoming Authentic. Whole. At ease. Blue jeans, Mascara and all!
I have been through many phases in this remodeling project. When I got Baptized in His Spirit at the age of twenty, I had been irreparably shattered – as far as the natural realm was concerned. I was pretty much considered to be a lost cause. Just another casualty of the sexual lusts and social/emotional/mental dysfunction of those around me. I was afflicted with, and diagnosed with, MDD, MPD, OCD and PTSD! Manic Depressive Disorder had rendered me suicidally desperate. Multiple Personalty Disorder meant that my soul had “split” itself up to be able to function with the self rejection issues that the shame of prolonged and severe sexual abuse had produced. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder meant that I kept doing the same things religiously, and making the same mistakes socially, and realized that these actions were the cause of my pain, but not being able to stop doing those things! And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, was sort of a blanket diagnosis, in which the others were contained – the cause of those other disorders, from a medical/psychological perspective.
However, a miraculous thing occurred when I received the infilling of His Spirit into my being – the depression lifted, or was reduced to a tolerable level at least, the two of the three personalities went dormant for a season, so I could function as one person. I still had signs of PTSD, unexplainable sadness at times, or rage at others – my stress levels were still high enough that it didn't take much to push me over the top emotionally. But at least I was not living “over the top” all of the time, every day! At least I began to experience a sense of hope that there was a way out of the tunnel of dysfunction. I began to feel like there was hope for “me”. Finally, a chance of finding me, knowing me and even liking me! The clouds began to part, and rays of His light began filtering down to me.
But there was much to repair. I had lost the fight to become a decent girl. I dressed, talked, walked and looked like a hooker on drugs, though drugs was one of the few vices which I had successfully avoided! But, though I loved God, and tried to obey His Word, which I studied religiously – in every sense of the word - I made no sense emotionally sometimes. And though I hated the sexually abusive parts of my life, which had, sadly, eclipsed MOST of my life up until that event, I was drawn to sexual lust like a moth to a flame! And unfortunately I attracted it as well, as though I had a super powerful scum-magnet attached to my rear end! So the Spirit of God began the clean up project with some instruction on how to dress.
It took years of moving me away from needing the negative “affirmation” of dressing to attract sexual attention. It took years for Him to wean me off of the need to dress in an alluring, or “sexy” way, designed to get that rise out of guys where ever I went! But I began to change immediately. The first step was to wear decent under garments! But, as a pendulum must swing to the extreme opposite before finding center, eventually, over time, I became so “modesty conscious”, that I looked like an Amish or Mennonite or Orthodox Jewish woman! I gave up make up entirely, covered my head at all times, and wore minimal jewelry, etc.! I even ditched my beloved jeans, and only wore long skirts, or dresses which covered every part of my body – because that was what “modest” meant to me during that time.
Looking back I see the influences which led me into those decisions, and then out of them again, until I could find His will for me – His standard – and how it looked on “ME” - the one which HE was designing! Until I finally swung back to center. Eventually, as healing worked its way from the deepest inner issues back to the outside, I did begin wearing make up again. But it was not to hide who I was this time, nor was it a tool to solicit unwarranted attention to fill a void, as it used to be. It is now simply a means of feeling socially “well put together”. It is fun. And some days, unnecessary and unwanted!
But only most recently, in the last couple of years, in fact, has the Mascara returned to the makeup regimen. Because up until the healing was finalized I cried the mess off as fast as I could apply it! So, not digging the Rocky Raccoon image, I had put mascara aside as an exercise in futility during the “deliverance” years! There was no water proof mascara made which could withstand my deluge during those years. It just wasn't worth it!
As I have become a whole, sound, functional human again, my weight has normalized so that I am not scare-crow thin, nor unhealthily rotund. Slowly my desires have changed to eat to live, instead of living to eat – which, again, was just another attempt at filling that emotional void, it was just a part of the collateral damage of a shame dominate existence. Now I choose my makeup and clothes to please God and myself!
I am free to choose when to go to Church, and where to fellowship, as the Spirit leads, instead of trying to jump through hoops to please one community or “fellowship” of “believers”. Now I am free to express myself, my beliefs, with respect to others, but with no fear of rejection! I am free to BE to the fullest the delightful person that God has made me to be, to the joy of some and the disdain of others – with no lost sleep over the negativity of the dissenters!
Because, as the transformation process continues, by the work of the Spirit, God becomes the be all to end all – and the supreme desire of my life – and that desire is filled daily so that there is no more void! If people love me that is icing on the cake! If they dislike me that is their issue, not mine! I feel loved and accepted with or without accolades or applause or approval of others! Of course I want to live my life in a way that is respectable, and worthy of the approval of those I love! But I really believe that if God is happy with me, then other folk's problems are not my worry or responsibility!
What a freedom that is! I can choose between jeans, skirts or yoga pants – as the situation calls for - and I feel equally at home with no make up or the full treatment, including lipstick and mascara. I can wear my excessive jewelry, or minimal jewelry, it matters not... I dress to please myself, and the Spirit of God which leads me, who awakens me morning by morning as one being taught! I am a Talidim of Yeshua, The Anointed One. I am His eager student. I want what He wants, I have the mind of the Anointed One, whose mission was simply that His Father's Great Name Be Glorified!
He is the one who said that it isn't the outward stuff that defiles us humans, but the stuff which emanates from the heart. And I am finding that to be true – not that my disagreement would make it untrue! So here I am, 55 years into Yeshua's Salvation project of Sandra's transformation, and 38 years into the full-time, total surrender to, and possession of my life by, His Spirit – wearing Mascara when it suits, drinking Champagne when appropriate, eating Chocolate in proper amounts when I am blessed to have it, and learning to bring God glory in all things – whether we humans regard those things as significant or not! And He has taught me to love - even Me. I have learned to love myself, as the creation of a great and generous God, with Gleaming silver hair, aging body, and all – and to love others as He would love them!
I am committed to sharing my testimony so that others can know that there is God who meets us just where we are, loves us madly, and then tirelessly works to elevate us to where HE is! Because, it is in HIS presence, all Holy and Good, that we finally find our Authentic Selves – and finally know love and acceptance on the deepest level possible! I know that there are levels to go! I know that I have not plumbed the depths, nor attained the heights of His love for me just yet - but at this point I am totally enjoying the Journey! L'Chaim
Shalom Chavarim! !